Great Ways to Connect With Your Child - Part 3

This time, let’s learn how to decrease anger within our family communication.

3. Decreasing Anger
Emotionally charged dialogue is bound to happen within the family, but it doesn’t have to cause bitterness and division. Conflict within families can be a training ground to help children learn to deal with conflict in the world once they are adults and outside of your reach.

You know, what we know and don’t remember is that the things that exasperate our kids are the same things that rubbed us the wrong way when we were their age. You know what I’m talking about: when our parents disregarded our feelings and drew conclusions without allowing us to speak in our own defense; when our parents didn’t respect our individuality and made us change things in our lives without seeking to understand why we liked them; when our parents demanded the world of us socially and academically, but failed to meet our demand and need for attention and time with them. It’s our lives revisited through our children. So how will we respond? Will we increase anger by ending a quarrel with a power play like “Because I’m your mother/father and I said so?” Or will we take the parental high road and say, “Son/daughter, help me understand your perspective.” That takes humility and though it seems like we’re “letting them win” we’re actually making a human connection with their hearts. They get to see that as adults we make mistakes, too. That we can admit we are not perfect and we can then make the same steps to correct our hearts the same way we’ve always made them when they had disputes with their siblings or other children.

But how do we get there? What should we do if we’ve gone too far and found ourselves offenders of the above or worse? Here are a few steps to get back within the loving graces of your child and regain their love and trust while demonstrating true humility:

• Reflect gentleness. Speak slowly and calmly. Unwrinkle your brow and relax your face.
• Apologize and allow them to respond without defending yourself.
• Ask them to help you understand what it is you’re not getting.
• Ask for forgiveness and seal it with an embrace and an affirmation of love.

If we can do these things for our children – and for ourselves – we make love deposits with our children that pay dividends and create the kind of openness we desire from them.

Next week, we’ll talk about “The Fear Dance .”

Chris