Great Ways to Communicate With Your Child - Part 5

Communication In Conflict

There are three stages of a relationship: Intimacy, Conflict and Withdrawal. I learned this once in a marriage class, but I think it applies to all relationships, especially parent-child.

When we have intimacy with our children, we’re meeting each other’s needs. We’re spending quality time with our kids, we’re having family time together, we have a good marriage (if we’re married) that our kids see and our children are respectful, responsive, obedient and in an environment that allows them to be open and expressive. Now don’t be fooled, conflict is here. Intimacy allows us to let our guard down. When we are unguarded because we feel close to someone, we tend get easily irritated by one another. That’s a sign of genuine intimacy and caring. We don’t usually associate that with intimacy, but it is intimate. Basically, if we didn’t care about someone or their words, we wouldn’t get irritated. We’d ignore them or they would ignore us.

Conflict happens when we’re not meeting our kid’s needs or they aren’t meeting ours (usually respecting us, obeying us, following instructions, etc). That’s when we go from irritation to taking little swipes at one another. For a parent, it may be issuing uneven consequences like taking away a cell phone for a month because the trash wasn’t taken out or reminding the child without an active father that he’s going to be just like that father when he grows up. That’s actually one I heard growing up quite a bit during my moments of conflict with my guardians. It hurts and they knew it, but that’s the goal in conflict. To make someone hurt worse than you’re hurting. For it to get like that, it takes a buildup of unmet needs. For a child, acting out and behavior issues are the signs that there is conflict in the air. Most kids just want more attention and the conflict will end. Remember the old adage: negative attention is better than no attention. It’s true.

Withdrawal comes when you find it too painful to deal with a person. This is mostly found on the child’s side. They feel like we always come down hard on them, never listen to or value their opinions, are judgmental, sharp tongued and unappreciative of their efforts. That’s when you have the classic teenager locking themselves in the bedroom or bathroom. That’s withdrawal. Some phases are signs of withdrawal, as well. Stay on top of those. Withdrawal is too much hurt, not enough understanding.

So what’s the best way to get out of Conflict and Withdrawal? Be a humble listener and get into their pain or invite them into yours. As parents we hate to find out that we are the source of our kid’s greatest pain, but by listening to them and NOT responding at all, we can hear everything and in turn we can sift it to find out what is truth and what their perception of the situation is. Then we can figure out where we need to change in order to restore lines of communication. Yes, I said we must change. As parents, if we are to expect humility from our kids, we have to take the high road in every conflict. Something we’ve done before is let the boys expressly point out what we need to fix in our parenting and our marriage and we take it on the chin. No rebuttal. No cross-examination. It’s amazing what they see. But what’s more amazing is that it gives them confidence that they can open up to us without fear of rejection or lashing out. It also allows us to offer them constructive criticism and point out things we see in them that need to change and it’s met with welcome hearts. Like I said before, we have to earn the right to be critical.

And so what if their perception is wrong? If we attack that notion, we lose them. If we turn it back on them and attack their failures and mistakes, we lose them. Fight the temptation to lecture back with things like, “I’m like that because you do xyz” or “If you would just do as you’re told I wouldn’t be so mean.” Instead just listen, smile and nod. It’ll hurt you some, maybe even make you cry, but it’ll help them exponentially. The following day, you can sit down with your child and discuss everything they have shared. Share with them why you do what you do. Talk to them about their actions and consequences which led you to whatever decisions you’ve had to make. Help them to understand why you do what you do and how they can help restore intimacy by making certain changes in their lives, too. Let them talk first, and then you respond appropriately. Then you talk and they can respond appropriately. This helps ward off the possibility of a fear dance because everyone gets heard and validated. Then end the conversation with words of affirmation and affection. We always make sure we hug our kids and let them know that we love them so that they never perceive themselves as the problem, but realize it’s things within them that need to change. This approach has really helped our boys grow in their character and it doesn’t compromise their self-esteem. Instead, it allows them to attack the issue and grow, which builds up.

And that will get you back into intimacy and bring you closer together.

Chris